~*~ DayDreamz ~*~

     It's been one week.  I still have one week to wait for my mammogram and ultrasound.  There is another lump in my breast.  I'm hoping it's just a cyst or something non cancerous.       I go through cycles of how I feel.  I feel fine most days. I stay busy and occupy my mind so I'm not obsessing over it.  I have my moments when I play,  " what if".... but I think I've come to terms with what if.  I can't change anything, good or bad, so I figure I gotta just keep on keeping on.      If I happen to end up with the big "C" then we'll handle it.  Not much else we can do.  No sense in freaking out.  I don't want my family to worry either.  My daughter already freaked out about it.  Made me feel terrible.  So I'm trying to put on a brave face and not let it bother me.       I have exactly one week.  Then maybe longer? Like if they want to do a biopsy or something.  Ugh.  I do hate the waiting though.  Its tough, I won't lie. 

 Friday was my appt day.  I arrived 10 minutes early.  Not too early, but early enough.  I was weighed and checked in by the male nurse.  He left the room, and I proceeded to wait for 40 minutes!!! Yes! Over 30 minutes I waited! Wth?!     The Dr finally did the manual breast exam, asked me questions. Let me know that I do indeed have a lump in my breast.  Yup.... already knew that.  She told me I needed an ultrasound and a mammogram.  That I could call them right after my appt and I should be able to get in by early this week.  What?!!!     Wait two to three days?! Noooooo! That's too long.  Right? She can't understand the severity of the problem. I call as soon as I get to the vehicle.  I push 1 for patient, listen carefully for the rest of the agonizingly slow prompts.  Finally a person! I tell her who I am etc.  The Dr's orders are already there.  The next available appt. Is two weeks from now!!!!!! Yes you read that correctly.  2 freakin weeks! Wth? She can't unde

     I think I found two actually.  My Dr 's appointment is just over 12 hours away.  I can't sleep.  I keep reading the same symptoms of breast cancer over and over.  I keep thinking, nah I don't have it, I don't have that symptom or that one.  Then I freak out and see myself in all of them.      I'm trying to be chill about it.  Shit! Did a breast cancer commercial really just come on the tv that I'm not really watching? Wth?! Ok freaking out again. ... calm your tits Lucy! Oiy!      I know I'll probably have to have a mammogram.  The same one my Dr has been reminding me to schedule for a year. The same one i kept putting off . Now look! It'll be fine.  I'll be fine.      Reminding myself not to think negative.  Don't think of chemo.  Which scares the piss out of me.  I have always been a little on the anxious side, and my mind always goes to the worst case scenario, and even the improbable.  So I'm trying to keep my mind occupado.