Shit! I Found a Lump!

     I think I found two actually.  My Dr 's appointment is just over 12 hours away.  I can't sleep.  I keep reading the same symptoms of breast cancer over and over.  I keep thinking, nah I don't have it, I don't have that symptom or that one.  Then I freak out and see myself in all of them.
     I'm trying to be chill about it.  Shit! Did a breast cancer commercial really just come on the tv that I'm not really watching? Wth?! Ok freaking out again. ... calm your tits Lucy! Oiy!
     I know I'll probably have to have a mammogram.  The same one my Dr has been reminding me to schedule for a year. The same one i kept putting off . Now look! It'll be fine.  I'll be fine.
     Reminding myself not to think negative.  Don't think of chemo.  Which scares the piss out of me.  I have always been a little on the anxious side, and my mind always goes to the worst case scenario, and even the improbable.  So I'm trying to keep my mind occupado.
     I've been busy with the kids, and errands, and housework etc.  The cats.  My Abba kitty is always with me.  I love her.  Does she know something I don't? No, silly she's just a cat.  Not a magical being.  Right?
She's staring at me. I think she knows.
     My hand goes to the lump in my breast randomly.  I know exactly where it is.  Does it hurt? Is it bigger? Is it smaller? Did it swell? Did it move? Ugh!!! Freaking out again.
    How do you not freak out just a little from time to time? Am I overreacting? Am I being dramatic? Is it normal? I just want to sleep so I can wake up and get ready for my appt.  After I take my daughter to work.
     My favorite food network show isn't even a distraction tonight.  Why am I freaking out so bad tonight and not the week before my appt? Is it because tomorrow I could potentially get life changing news?   I think its life changing regardless.  Right? I mean every woman should be in tune with her boobs. Most importantly, listen to your Dr!! Get that mammogram!!!
     Kicking myself.
   

lucy sig

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